My Fantasy Fellow Jurors

Yesterday, I had jury duty and found Rumer Willis in my jury pool. This got me fantasizing about being on a jury panel full of famous people. Who would I want on there?

After some deliberating (I had a lot of time to kill), I came up with this list of 11 people I’d like to serve with and why:

  1. Chuck Norris, because if anybody tried to bullshit him, he’d roundhouse them in the head.
  2. mentalistSimon Baker, because he can read minds like he does on The Mentalist and tell when someone’s lying. OK, that’s reaching but c’ mon, it’s Simon Baker. Do I need to explain why I want to be sequestered with him?
  3. Bono, because he seems to have a strong desire to do the right thing. Plus, he can lend me his shades so I can sleep through boring testimony.
  4. feyTina Fey, because she’s smart and sharp-witted so she’d make deliberations fun.
  5. Jesus, because who would lie to Jesus?
  6. J.K. Rowling, because she knows about good vs. evil. Also, she might write the plot of her next book on lunch napkins and leave them lying around.
  7. Speaking of lunch, I’d want Wolfgang Puck, because he’d take the crappy food in the courthouse cafeteria and turn it into something edible. Yesterday, my beef stew looked like it had floating chunks of…never mind.
  8. cateCate Blanchett, because I just want to sit next to her amazingness.
  9. Ann Coulter, because if deliberations go long and I get cranky, I want someone around I can slap without remorse.
  10. clooney as claytonGeorge Clooney, because I want to dare him into placing a whoopee cushion on the judge’s chair.
  11. Bruce Springsteen, because he’s the Boss and can serve as foreman.

Who would be on your fantasy jury panel and why?

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14 responses to “My Fantasy Fellow Jurors

  1. All great choices, PCN. But, I’m guilty of wanting desperately to be there to witness your No. 9 session. My picks would be:

    1. Bruce Lee, because if co-juror Chuck Norris starts up with his infomercial I want someone there who’s proven he can shut him the frak up.

    2. Henry Fonda, because I want that guy from Twelve Angry Men.

    3. Atticus Finch, ’nuff said.

    4. Jodie Foster, because I love smart women (hell, I’m married to one).

    5. Annie Savoy, make that smart and sexy ;-).

    6. Ellen Ripley, because there’s no bullsh*tting her.

    7. Humphrey Bogart, because he’s Bogie.

    8. Roger Thornhill, because anyone who could dodge a crop-duster plane attack in the cornfield is worth knowing.

    9. Clint Eastwood, because he’s Clint Eastwood!!!

    10. Audrey Hepburn, because I need another of my all-time favorites in that jury room.

    11. Pop Culture Nerd, because she cracks me the hell up!

    Thanks for this.

    • Oh, you took it to a whole ‘nother level with deceased and fictional people! I was gonna put Bruce Lee on my jury, too, then decided to stay with people who are still around. But hey, why not include everyone? It’s a fantasy, after all.

      Audrey Hepburn and Gregory Peck are my fave actors of all time. And you’re welcome to not only witness but participate in my bitch-slapping session with Juror #9.

      I did not see that #11 coming. I’ve never had anyone say they’d want to do jury duty with me so that’s quite a compliment—thank you!

  2. There’s no jury duty here in Mexico (‘though I somehow think there should be). Anyway… if I ever had to do jury duty I’d rather be sitting with:

    1. James Earl Jones, because it would be amazing if he could “choke” anyone -and by anyone I mean Chuck Norris- with “the force” and walk clean. But thinking about it, I think I’d rather have him as judge.

    2. Jim Parsons, because I’d love to hear the implications of our decision on the space-time continuum stability and the wave frequency of the particles of… (you get my point)… and also because he could clone Leonard Nimoy.

    3. John Cleese, because I’d be expecting Monty Python(ish) jokes all over the place. Also, who doesn’t love good British sarcasm?

    4. Tina Fey, gotta rob that from you PCN, but I’d love her in her Princess Leia outfit, which would also come along with Juror #1.

    5. Halle Berry, because she’s hot… and talented… and hot.

    6. Kanye West, because either a) I could punch him in the face, or b) he would say: “I’ma let ya finish… but the witness of the defense had the best declaration of all time”, and then I’d punch him in the face… and they’ll hold him for contempt (or whatever it’s called).

    7. Maggie Smith, because I love her (I’ve always wanted a grandma just like her… and they’re just the opposite).

    8. Jessica Lange, because she’s smart, and talented.

    9. Daniel Day Lewis, because I think we’d need someone who took his role seriously.

    And I will steal another two from you both PCN and le0pard…

    10. Cate Blanchett… amazingness, indeed.

    11. Clint Eastwood… ’nuff said.

    • Pop Culture Nerd

      JEJ as a judge would be awesome! As I said to lp13 above, I ultimately decided to stick with alive and real people but was tempted to put Yoda on my panel. He’d spout all those wise Yodaisms and wouldn’t crowd me in the jury box since he’s so small.

      Love how even though you’re punching Kanye in the face, he‘s the one who gets held for contempt.

      Please forgive my ignorance but if you don’t have juries, does the judge alone decide all the verdicts?

      • Yes… that’s how (un)justice works in Mexico. Just one of those things that make you feel like you really are in a Third World Country. ‘Though I do love it here, the justice system sucks.

        It’s just paperwork and bureacuracy… there are no real “physical” trials. Just audiences and loads of paperwork. And the judge gets to decide everything (you do get 2 chances for appeal, ‘though)

  3. Hilarious, all fo you! Sorry, it’s late, so I’ll just be lazy and have what you’re having.

  4. LOL. Love the post (and the answers thus far)! Hmmm, never thought about a fantasy jury before. That’s a tough one!

    How about a shortened list from me (on the fly of course)….

    1. Josh Groban – If you haven’t heard him sing, you should, and of course the obvious…*SIGH*…plus if the courtroom needs a break, those that don’t enjoy it will go out like a light!

    2. Orlando Bloom – For so many reasons (can you guess?), but mostly he’s a daredevil type that would definitely liven up the sequestered sessions.

    3. Craig Ferguson – I know, odd choice…but despite his tendency to be a bit crass, he is actually funny….who couldn’t use a laugh?

    Okay….drawing a blank …I’ll let it sit this way for now in lieu of spouting randomness (like I haven’t already done that)….

    • Pop Culture Nerd

      Craig Ferguson’s not odd at all; he almost made my list! I think he’s hilarious and since he’s a newly minted American citizen, he might appreciate participating in our jury system.

      Your other guys are good, too. If you come up with 8 more, come back and share!

  5. Oooooh, I want to play this one….

    1), 2), 3) & 4) Mr. Ricky Martin, Mr. Justin Timberlake, Adam Lambert and Usher (’cause during breaks, they could all dance half nekkid on the jury room conference table)

    5) Gary Dourdan (that black guy with the sexy eyes that used to be on CSI, because….well, DAMN!!! AND he’s got all that knowledge on how to find out what really happened)

    6) Jake Gyllenhaal – because he looks like he might come out of the closet any day now and he could probably recognize when someone was also holding on to a secret.

    7), 8), 9), 10) & 11) The Pussycat Dolls (without Nicole or that redhead, ’cause they scare me) so I would have someone to talk to during those boring deliberations.

    Thanks!

  6. Pop Culture Nerd

    FFBUFF8, you are all about bringing the nekkid to the courtroom, aren’t you? That’s good, because I can show up in less clothing and get through the metal detectors faster!

  7. 1) That guy on those beer commercials billing himself as the “Most Interesting Man In The World”. He seems like he could see through any lies the defendant might be telling. And, well, he’s interesting…

    2) Hugh Grant – Mainly because he has been there. He has done wrong and knows what it is like to carry that burden. Plus, he’s just silly.

    3) Daniel Craig – Lie to him and he would kill you. I mean really, have you seen him as Bond?

    4) Jason Statham – Talk about intimidating. Try lying to him. he would kick your ass AND PUNCH CHUCK NORRIS!

    5) William Peterson – He was on CSI for so long, he must have picked up some skills. (Take THAT FFBUFF8! At least my guy STAYED on the show for as long as he wanted.)

    6) Julia Roberts – Who would be able to lie to Julia? Really?

    7) Tim Roth – from Lie To Me. He has no equal. Simon Baker might have the charm, but Roth has the technique.

    8) Mary Magdalene – If you can have Jesus, I can have Mary.

    9) Tom Hanks – He’s a good judge of character. He’s also an everyman at heart, I think.

    10) Alanis Morrisette – if you piss her off, she’ll write a song about you and you don’t want that.

    11) Emma Thompson – She’s NOBODY’s fool. Emma will know if you are lying and she’d make a great foreman…er, person.

  8. Mine Are:
    1)Harriett Tubman (because she’s a dogooder)
    2)Liberace (because he’s eccentric and fabulous)
    3)Anderson Cooper (because his eyes are dreamy)
    4)Andy Warhol (because he’s a good doodler)
    5)Alan Menken (because he can entertain)
    6)Truman Capote (because he’s an out there intellect)
    7)Nate Berkus (because I like his dimples)
    8)Betsy Ross (because she’s a good tailor)
    9)John Hughes (because he’s a child at heart)
    10)Cheyenne Jackson (he’ll be the token gay)
    11)Keira Knightley (she is simply stunning)

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